I’ve found it very easy recently to wallow a bit in my own thoughts!
Now I’ll be honest they’ve been plentiful and pretty negative-slap wrist!
We’re about to extend our family which I am so excited about,
I have an amazing husband and son as well as a great family around me.
All I seem to be thinking about though is the things I’m not doing well.
If i was to write a list ………….
I wish i didn’t take everything to heart
I wish i could bake and cook with enthusiasm and confidence
I wish I had more patience
I wish I spent more time doing and less time (over) thinking
I wish i tried things, had more guts and put myself out there more
I wish I worked harder so I didn’t have to constantly worry about money
I wish I had the style to dress myself and my home nicely
I wish I was fitter and healthier
and above all i wish i didn’t beat myself up so much.
(Seriously the list could go on and on)
Then you get a moment when your 3yr old child puts things into perspective
like this morning
‘Mummy let’s have a chat’…….(his words)
‘What are your talents?’
‘Do you know what talents are LB?’
‘Yes it’s what your good at!’
He says he’s good at playing the guitar and kisses and finding toys and eating.
Pretty good list!!
When he asks me I can’t think of anything.
I actually paused while he stared at me …….
and then asked me the question again in case I hadn’t heard him.
Now that doesn’t set a great example to my child and man do I want to be that.
I want LB and his new brother or sister to know they can do and be anything they wish…..to be fearless, kind, strong and good enough no matter what. Yet I’m not able to show them that, as all I seem to be able to look at is how crap I am at everything.
Now this isn’t new to me exactly, in fact its something i’ve been an expert at for many years!
How many times must I have said to LB, you might not be able to do something now but you just have to try and keep practising to get better at it.
Then when i hear him say ‘I can’t do this’ or especially ‘I’m no good at this’
Why do i continue to put myself down then?
If i have a daughter this time round I certainly don’t want her to pick up on
the body image issues, confidence blips and general down on yourself attitude
i know i can bring out, yet hate in myself.
It’s so important that I don’t wallow in self pity and I hate it when i do.
I woke up this morning feeling pretty damn good.
A great nights sleep, snuggles and giggles in bed with my boys and this inspirational little chat with LB that made me really think.
The positive thoughts unfortunately only lasted a little while and by 8pm here I am sat in a dark room writing this post and for the last 4 hours or so I’ve been feeling pretty damn miserable. I’ve sat on social media most of the day as I couldn’t be bothered to do anything productive, nor pay attention to anything, I’ve got agitated with both B and LB over the constant nagging and moaning when I feel like i do everything and things have broken that I love and I’ve laid on the sofa and cried.
Now part of me wonders whether I should cut myself some slack?
I’m over 38 weeks pregnant and I could certainly blame the hormones and the anxiety about the fact that in the next 2 weeks we will have another baby-gulp!
Then the other part of me thinks I need to pull myself together before all of this happens and I’m left in a broken mess.
When I think about all i want to be for my children and family
I know some of it is unrealistic (though not all of it).
I am not an octopus as me and LB say, I can’t do everything at once.
I am only human.
I’m not going to be the dream housewife who has a spotless house with dinner on the table for the hubby every night perfectly on time, well not on the same day that I am the perfect mother, with no breakdowns, the best baker, craft maker, career woman, gardener, fit chick, daughter,sister ……..!
It’s just working out which one i need to be on which day,
which one needs the most attention,
which side of me will do its best at what time and I certainly need to give myself a chance.
I know I am certainly not alone in feeling the pull of being everybody and everything at once and we all know that whatever it looks like from the outside noones really winning at every role, every day.
So what do i need to do ….
I need to take a deep breath
Talk to people about how i feel
Take some time to myself
Take Action rather than procrastinate
Put my phone down
Step outside and enjoy some fresh air
Stop putting so much pressure on myself
Realise that I am enough and Fill my cup!!!
Thank You for Reading my brain dump of emotion…..
I am linking up with Katie at MummyDaddyMe
for this weeks Ordinary Moments